The Reaper - A one page story

Ulnarevern

Hey guys! Let's add some content in this section!

I just love writing and I wondered what you thought about that (my English isn't perfect though. The problem of not being English). Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated  

BEWARE : It's really violent.

Here is a PDF link (with the first version too)

Here is the story :

He runs as fast as he can. The hunt is about to finish. She wants to play with him some more. Victory howl. Scream and suffering. A leg flies in the distance, spreading blood all around. Some new screams sounds. She is just playing with him like a cat is playing with a small animal it caught.

He can't believe it happened so fast.

She is enjoying her time playing with this small human.

They both remembered the few minutes before this moment.

She is walking around, searching for some food. She sees a lonely victim, looking healthy enough to give her a few minutes of resistance. He has weapons, so she may even fight a bit. She moves on a strategic place to begin her chase. When he hears the cry, he runs in the forest. The strategy is horrible.

He goes deeper in the woods, searching who could cry like this. It is dark under the trees. A few meters before he gets in sight of what is screaming, it transforms into a diabolical laugh, or an unnatural howl. He draws his weapons (a sword and a crossbow) in a second. He is now ready for a hard fight against an unknown enemy. It comes way faster than he expects, and much stronger. He is just fast enough to avoid the assault. He shots an arrow directed to the creature. She dodges it with an inhuman agility. She howls, expressing how happy she is to fight.

He takes a defensive position, hoping that he would kill this beast. She jumps on him. He throws himself on the ground and tries to attack the creature. A demonic Shadow passes over the Humanity. He screams. The impact almost broke his arm. She only gets a negligible wound in return.

They both turn to the other. She rushes on him. He tries to hit her on the head. She breaks the sword with her teeth. She stops her move. They see the eyes of each other. Terror facing victory. He can’t believe what is happening. He turns back and flee. She lets him take some advance. She knows that she will catch her victim. He runs in the forest as fast as he can, blinded by the lack of light and the branches in his way. He feels tears in his eyes.

He looks back. He turns around. He falls down.

Suddenly, reality comes back. They are no more in the past. Bones are shattered. Blood is spilled. He screams.

She stops playing a second to take a look to her living meal. He makes his last preys to his gods. He closes his eyes. He has not much blood left in his veins and she is getting annoyed of this game. Last screams of pain. It resounds in the whole forest. An eternity elapsed.

This eternity was actually an instant. She is eating a dead body now.

SeiferTim

bscotchseth

Dang. That's pretty solid.

Ulnarevern

I wanted to write some really short stories (not like this one) and post it on this forum so would you be interested? (it is a nice training for me and may be entertaining for you)

bscotchsam

Hell yes. Do you want feedback, both grammatical and on the storytelling? As a master Englishist™ I'd be happy to give some pointers. And as a fellow writer I'd be happy to help with story structure, too! 

Ulnarevern

That would be REALLY awesome

bscotchsam

ALRIIIIGHT! Feedback is the stuff of masters.

HERE WE GO:

1. Watch your tenses. The story swaps between present and past every couple of sentences. For example, "He runs as fast as he can" followed two sentences later by "The hunt was about to finish. She stopped victoriously." Different tenses can serve different purposes - in the case of your story, making the reader feel like they're actively being hunted would best be served by keeping everything in present tense, so anything with an "-ed" ending gets swapped for its present tense version. BOOM.
2. The story has a fun structure, beginning with the end, turning back to how the character got there, and then ending with the end. BUT! If you swapped the " He looks back. He falls down." then the reader won't know how the story is likely to end right away, which is key for some SUSPENSE. Halfway through it seems that the character may well survive, but this sentence combo acts as a kind of spoiler for the rest of the story. BAJAMBO.
3. "All of sudden," lots of native speakers use "All of a sudden" or "All of the sudden", but "Suddenly" does the same amount of work in less space. AWWW YISS BREVITY.

Let me know if any of that doesn't make sense!

Ulnarevern

Thank you so much Sam!

1. I always do this But thank you for reminding it to me! There should be no more past tense (I think, but I'm not perfectly sure of this point)

2. is a really good idea (like really awesome idea in fact)

3. Don't even now why i wrote this now you mention it. Even in the original (French) version i wrote 'soudainement' (=suddenly as you guessed)

I also tweaked/modified some things.

Thank you again!

bscotchAdam

@Ulnarevern‌ You should check out Scribophile. I hung out a lot on there back in the day, and it's a good place to give and get productive feedback.

Ulnarevern

@BscotchAdam‌ Thank you for the link. I took a look and it seems really interesting. I'm trying to progress on some other projects for now but i'll keep this link safe